It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
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[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard