It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.


friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons


Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!


[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?


Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.


If at first you don’t succeed, I wouldn’t try bungee jumping.


Today I was walking my dog and a man stopped us and asked how much my dog weighed and I told him and he said, “Great, thanks — I do dog math for my job” and walked away.


*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.


Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.


I get high before I get my Drivers License pic taken. That way I look normal if I’m pulled over.