It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Worst bar ever.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.