Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄