It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
You Might Also Like
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
we all know this pain all too well
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*