It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?