me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…