It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
reminder
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Managing expectations
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.