It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.