Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The old gods are rising again.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.

Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

There are usually two types of merchants.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute