It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew