It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away