It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
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Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
What my back needs
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs