Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef