It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.