It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.