Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

No way!

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER