It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.