It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”