It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
they finally got him. they got macavity
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.