It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
How to find Kentucky on a map
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.