Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down