Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”

– Me, drunk at Target

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.