It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Morning all.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
No one:
London landlords:
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo