Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid