Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

Why is this me 😫

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar