It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“That’s what” – She
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….