It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Interior designer.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”