It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
oh u like history? name everything that happened
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA