Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

the three branches of government

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.