Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?