it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
checking out some reviews of my local library
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.