it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
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ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
how high up are we talkin’?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants