Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.