Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry