It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
(Musicians.)
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.