It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
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Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.