Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

My dream car is a taco truck.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

PLEASE READ

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…