It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.