It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
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Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.