It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
You Might Also Like
My hips? Compulsive liars.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Meowchelangelo
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]