Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Who did it better?

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another