it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
mood
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
eggs benadryl
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down