Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot