Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

A friend helps you before you need it

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?