It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
opening twitter today
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11