It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Got a light
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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