It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
next question.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.