It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep