Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.