Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.