it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
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I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler