it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no