It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.