it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
what kind of cook setting is this??
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now