Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.