it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
watching gymnastics
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle