@globetrottgirl

It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.

You Might Also Like

@TheRolo

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

@GingerHotDish

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@Eden_Eats

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.

@AliyanShaikh

Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.

@DeanOkay

Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.

@JoParkerBear

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

@miss_foofoo

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”