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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!