Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*
Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.
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Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.
Did you know? If you stand under the moonlight and say the name of your true love 3 times, you’ll look really stupid.
Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”