It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
How about daylight saves us for once
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.