It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Worst bar ever.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.