It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.