It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
こいつ天才
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!