Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

Did my cat write this

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

hackers play passwordle

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida