It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
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[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.