Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

OKAY DAD

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Talk about a bad egg

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U