Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

The most accurate map ever devised.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Saturday

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

I have never related to a cat more

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”