It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.