It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
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Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
hmmmmmm
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.