It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
hardest line in real life
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot