Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

There’s always that one guy

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.