It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Anyone want a chair?
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs